Day 4: Will vs. Real

It would figure that while I was self committed to post double posts to catch up, my bandwidth on my satellite connection is maxed out. Completely.

My oldest daughter (22 years old) is horribly irritable about it.

Be that as it may….

So I re-read Tasra’s Day 4 post, and there were several things about it that spoke to me….But first the questions:

 
 

· In what area are you struggling the most to change? Is it weight loss, health, bad habits, relationships?

· What are your current barriers to spiritual health and connection to your Creator?

 
 

Areas of opportunity:

That is what they call it in a call center environment. It’s never “things you need to fix” or “this is where you are sucking wind” or “these are your deficiencies.” No they are “Areas of Opportunity.” I’d have to say that my biggest area of opportunity is dealing with my control freak nature and the size of my butt. No I’m not being horribly flip. I am the biggest control freak I know. But I use my powers for good. Honest.

I try hard to realize that I can’t fix everything. But realizing it when I can, still doesn’t preclude my attempts to fix everything regardless. I can’t help it. It’s in my nature. I have been seriously referred to at work by co-workers as “Da Momma.” It’s a condition.

Be that as it may, it’s a part of who I am. The best thing I can do is to realize that I can’t fix it, but the issue that I have with that is that it’s a double edged sword. I have spent the past several years identifying myself as Ms. Fix it and Da Momma so that if I stop I feel like I have lost this huge part of myself, and yet that attitude is causing me to overextend myself emotionally and mentally, to point where I feel like I don’t have my own personal identity.

Barriers:

Hehe, see the above statement. I tell everyone that I am probably pagan. I say that because I take some many of my tenets of faith from one culture or another. I believe that everyone needs to have faith in something….I believe that there are higher powers. Sounds fairly Western Christian…Until I mention that I believe that There is a God and a Goddess …ying and yang….black and white…light and dark…I believe that all that is good has to be balanced and all that is bad has to be balanced. It just makes sense to me. Perhaps you agree, perhaps you don’t. I’m pretty okay with it if you aren’t…pretty okay if you do…it works for me and that’s what matters to me.

But regardless the difficulty in letting go and letting my pair of creators take control and have faith in them, I tend to keep my control in a death grip close to me.

Being dual brained about this, I can see where it is damaging me and that I’m not letting my higher powers doing their jobs, but I can’t just let go.

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