Archive for the ‘Writings’ Category

Day Five: Please return your seats to their upright position.

August 18, 2009

The title is in reference to Tasra’s Day Five Post and her observation that the safety spiel that airlines do at the beginning of the flight might apply for life in general as well.

I could really use a flight attendant in my life right about now. I have had the chorus to Lady Antebellum’s song Run to you running through my head for the past few months….but it’s been an especially loud chorus the past few weeks.

“This world keeps spinning faster
into a new disaster so I run to you”

Between the fostering of my second grandbaby and the birth (today) of the third grandbaby, plus the raising of my own set of 7 year old twins, plus the co-raising of my youngest daughter and my niece and nephew….and the job hunt….sometimes I just look at Keith and ask him if the ride is over yet…can I go home? Oh wait hon, you ARE home.

So without further ado, here is today’s challenge (courtesy of Tasra)

“TODAY’S CHALLENGE

1. How would you rate your health in each of these four areas?

  • Spiritual
  • Physical
  • Emotional
  • Relational

2. What’s the greatest challenge to improving your health in these areas? 

 

3. Write down a specific goal for each of these four areas that you can pursue during the rest of this month. Make sure the goals are SMART. ”

 

Spiritual Health: I’d have to say that I am content with my health in this aspect…I have faith that what is meant to be is meant to be. There are lessons to be learned in life and whomever is up there and in charge of the big picture (and yes, Kids, there is always a BIG PICTURE) put challenges in our path to learn the lesson’s not to stop them. I can get through this….I have faith in that fact even when I don’t have faith in my abilities to do so. Yes I see the contradiction in that sentence but it’s still valid. I know I will, I just don’t always know how….

Greatest challenge: I want to learn more. I want more knowledge of other beliefs….my basic faith is there, but I have always chafed at the old dogma and rhetoric that “organized” religion often sees.

Goals: Once my bandwidth is up, I want to read more online about different belief systems.

Physical Health: Eh, could be much better. I’m a robust woman with a small country that resides in the general vicinity of my butt and hips. My knees are feeling the strain of supporting aforementioned population. I have had chronic lower back pain for the past 20 years. Oh and I have sleep apnea. On the plus side, my blood pressure is steady and I am not diabetic, despite my family history of type 2 at around my age. Basically if I lost about 100 lbs, I’d be good.

Greatest Challenge: My brain. I’m physically pretty lazy. I wouldn’t say I’m sloth like, and it’s not like I can’t keep up with my kids and my job as a Mom. But given a choice, I’d probably sit and read a book or watch the Food Network rather than go on a two mile walk. I’m not mentally lazy, but it’s fair to say I need to get off my butt more.

Emotional Health: I have said before that I look at things in a dual brained way….I have been fighting diagnosed clinical depression for my entire adult life. With the job loss, and the resulting loss of insurance, I am working through my life and the stress unmedicated, which is a challenge. I can find my way through any issue using my logic but then I also find myself feeling the tears well up on the back of my eyes sometimes too….and if asked I can’t tell you why I am on the verge of tears.

Greatest Challenge (and Goal): Sometimes I need to give myself permission to lose it and cry or be angry or whatever. I’m a control freak and it’s hard to just let go. But if I Don’t then I can get to wound up and then just snap. Better to deal with it as needed to then to just explode.

Relational Health: For the most part, I’d have to say that I’m doing well with my relations…I worry about being to hard on my daughters especially Birdie…she’s got the signs of ADHD, which both of her brothers had…my life with Keith is evening out, we still aren’t married (rats!) but we have been together for 9 years come September 3rd. That’s got to count for something. As with any romantic relationship you have your rough spots and lack of trust. The Trick is to work past the negative and never give up. I believe the man is my soul mate, that has never changed. But it’s about communication.

Greatest Challenge (and Goal): Because of my previously admission of being a control freak the biggest challenge I have is to remember that not everyone communicates the same way or that everyone processes emotions and issues the same way. I’m pretty in your face about things but the people in my life need to process slowly…I have to keep this in mind so that I don’t keep pushing…..say what needs to be said, then let it go and revisit later if needed.

 

That’s it for now, I’m exhausted….G’night.

Day 4: Will vs. Real

August 15, 2009

It would figure that while I was self committed to post double posts to catch up, my bandwidth on my satellite connection is maxed out. Completely.

My oldest daughter (22 years old) is horribly irritable about it.

Be that as it may….

So I re-read Tasra’s Day 4 post, and there were several things about it that spoke to me….But first the questions:

 
 

· In what area are you struggling the most to change? Is it weight loss, health, bad habits, relationships?

· What are your current barriers to spiritual health and connection to your Creator?

 
 

Areas of opportunity:

That is what they call it in a call center environment. It’s never “things you need to fix” or “this is where you are sucking wind” or “these are your deficiencies.” No they are “Areas of Opportunity.” I’d have to say that my biggest area of opportunity is dealing with my control freak nature and the size of my butt. No I’m not being horribly flip. I am the biggest control freak I know. But I use my powers for good. Honest.

I try hard to realize that I can’t fix everything. But realizing it when I can, still doesn’t preclude my attempts to fix everything regardless. I can’t help it. It’s in my nature. I have been seriously referred to at work by co-workers as “Da Momma.” It’s a condition.

Be that as it may, it’s a part of who I am. The best thing I can do is to realize that I can’t fix it, but the issue that I have with that is that it’s a double edged sword. I have spent the past several years identifying myself as Ms. Fix it and Da Momma so that if I stop I feel like I have lost this huge part of myself, and yet that attitude is causing me to overextend myself emotionally and mentally, to point where I feel like I don’t have my own personal identity.

Barriers:

Hehe, see the above statement. I tell everyone that I am probably pagan. I say that because I take some many of my tenets of faith from one culture or another. I believe that everyone needs to have faith in something….I believe that there are higher powers. Sounds fairly Western Christian…Until I mention that I believe that There is a God and a Goddess …ying and yang….black and white…light and dark…I believe that all that is good has to be balanced and all that is bad has to be balanced. It just makes sense to me. Perhaps you agree, perhaps you don’t. I’m pretty okay with it if you aren’t…pretty okay if you do…it works for me and that’s what matters to me.

But regardless the difficulty in letting go and letting my pair of creators take control and have faith in them, I tend to keep my control in a death grip close to me.

Being dual brained about this, I can see where it is damaging me and that I’m not letting my higher powers doing their jobs, but I can’t just let go.

Day Three-only slightly delayed.

August 13, 2009

Okay so I had planned on doing this challenge on time on a daily basis.

Then life hit and I had several job interviews and had to put in applications, then I had to help Keith with some stuff. Needless to say any time that I spent online was doing mindless stuff like playing Farkle to keep my brain off the fact that I felt like I was withering. I have been out of work for about two weeks and while I fully expected a considerable chunk of that time to be spent looking for more work, I had also hoped to work on my genealogy stuff and my writing because that is the type of thing that brings something to my life, whether it is meaning for MY existence beyond Mother, and Partner. Instead I have been just worn away by the day to day mom and house mouse stuff and the kids starting school. I feel horrible saying that because I don’t want the perception that I don’t love my family, because I do…but it’s hard when there is no time for you.

I have been reading the posts that Tasra has posted during her challenge and I have been keeping up on thinking about the lessons to be learned. I will be posting the daily posts, perhaps two daily to catch up….

But not today…starting tomorrow I will post no less than two. At least till I catch-up….

Okay on to the day three stuff:

Step 1: Keep a time journal this week for how you spend your days.

Step 2: Evaluate the biggest time waster and what the payoff was.

Step 3: Write a short list of alternate activities you can do next time.

Step 4: How would you describe your current season of life?

1: I can’t. Pure and simple. It’d take me more time to write up a time journal. Time has a way of stealing away from me…..when I do track it…I still find myself having to justify not getting this done or that done. Kinda like this blog….It’s something that I have to do to…I feel it. I want to, I need to. But if I take the time to write, it’s like I have to justify the time to my family (not that they would openly give me grief, it’s more of a perceived accusations.)

2: My biggest time waster is called wheel spinning. Today I went to do a drug test so I can start work on the 24th. Fine no problem, then I had to run to the factory 2 you to get a few spare uniform shirts for the girls. Then I put gas in the car and came home. I ate lunch, and then dozed off for about ten minutes before the baby and grandbaby woke up from their nap. Then I had to deal with 4 kindergarten and first grade kids, the 6 month old and the grandbaby. Normally I do well, but the kids were all kinds of funky because Keith has a new schedule for part of the week now and he missed three nights with them, and they aren’t doing well with the change. He isn’t either but he’s not here right now… regardless, that’s where my time goes. I’m trying to get the kids to understand that they don’t need to be underfoot constantly and normally they adjust better but this time it’s just taking a bit longer. It seriously is eating into Momma’s ME time.

3: Write. Walk. Duct tape the kids to the wall….I have hot pink tape I could use. Oh all right I won’t duct tape them. But it DID sound somewhat appealing for all of two seconds.

4: The current season is probably winter. Or perhaps fall going into Winter. With my losing my job and issues with Keith’s job…and then the just stress of having the
grandbaby staying with us…not her per se, but the situation that is causing her to be in our care….just life in general I guess. We are over stressed financially, emotionally…I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s very faint and quite a bit away. I have been accused of having a “What needs to be done will be done.” Kind of attitude in my life and it’s always served me well but there are times where it’s not always easy to see the big picture for others. I have been told that my mindset is not realistic, but it’s worked for me so far.

Whew…I’m tired now.

Day Two–Internal Critics.

August 8, 2009

1. Answer this: If you were certain your life would end in 30 days, what would be your biggest regret? Why?
2. Analyze this: What area of your life are you suffering from Someday Syndrome? (SS=one day, when, if only)
3. Realize this: Today IS your Someday!
4. Choose this: What metaphor would describe your life if you were fully awake and engaged?
5. Find this: Find a symbol to represent your metaphor and post it somewhere to remind you.

Biggest Regret:

My biggest regret would be that I always seem to be second guessing myself.  How many times have I failed to seize an oppurtunity because I let my dual brained nature rationalize the possibilities? How many negative or painful consequences could I have avoided?  How many lost moments with my older children who are now adults.

someday Syndrome:

MY time always is impacted by the SS.  I will have the family history documented as far back as possible.  Someday.  I will write enough to support my family, or at least enough that I don’t have to work outside the home. Someday.  I will take time for myself.  Someday.  I will have a hugely popular and well read  blog.  Heh, yeah, Someday.

My Metaphor:

There is a scene in Shawshank Redemption where Andy Dufresne escapes from prison by crawling through 500 yards of sewage and comes out the other side, standing in the middle of a drainage ditch, and raises his hands, and looks to the sky with his eyes closed, with the rain washing the filth from his skin and clothes.  That is the key moment in a movie that has more then it’s share of symbolic moments.  I’d like to think that when I stop second guessing myself and I stay focused on ME, and what I need to do for me, separate from my family and my home…then it’ll be like the rain, washing the fear that often reeks and poisons the soul, from my skin.

Hmmm..that almost sounded profound.  Or perhaps that is my internal critic second guessing what I just wrote.  Tough, internal critic.  I’m posting this.  If it moves someone else, great….if not, oh well…I’m not going to second guess this one.

30 days to live challenge

August 6, 2009

I have been invited by Tasra Dawson over at Real Women Scrap to participate in a month long challenge.

What would you do if you only had one month to live.

I’m going to join in…Will you?

I am a five days late…so I think I’m going to start with day one today, then I’ll just run 5 days behind
Tasra.

Movie Review–Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

July 14, 2009

Perhaps some spoiler space is in order, although if you have read the series, it is rather redundent…Don’t read further if you are anti-spoiler

 

 

okay, so the 23 y/o and I went to a pre-screening of the New Harry Potter Movie last night.  As with the last two movies, there were things that were omitted for the sake of time constraints that should have been included IMO.   Overall I’d have to say that this was well done for the 5 venture to Hogwarts.  During the first part of the movie the majority of the audience was chuckling consistently at the inside jokes that only a follower of the previous movies can truly appreicate.

I have to say that the character of Ron has exceeded my expectations as the comic relief portion of the Hogwarts trio.  Rupert Grint has some amazing timing and that’s just about as much as I can say…well let’s just say that you have to imagine the Character of Ron swooning like a love sick puppy, and then being the relunctant toy of one Lavander Brown.  The Relationship between Herminone and Ron, Harry and Ginny moved along nicely without being too smaltzy.

IMO the one thing that this movie missed the mark with, was the explaination of who the Half Blood Prince was and why he was called the Half Blood Prince.  There was no explaination, just a “I am the half blood prince” by said character.

Overall, not a bad flick.  I think it’s perfect for Tweens and teen and adults.   The last half hour was intense enough with “scary” drama that I wouldn’t take anyone younger to see it in the theatre.  But that’s just me…when it comes out on DVD, the girls will most likely watch it with me so I can answer any questions.

Thursday Musings

March 5, 2009

So I visited Thursday Thunks for an idea on something to write as I avidly avoid actually working today….I didn’t like any of the potential topics for this week but I liked one from last week so here we go…

You open your front door and there is a box with a puppy in it… what do you do?

Answer: RUN!!!! Shut the door before the children see anything even resembling cute, fluff/furry bits of puppyness. Now lest y’all think I don’t love puppies, I can appreciate them. I prefer kittens but I’m not against puppies.

Except that I have too damn many to begin with…..I have a chow/German Shepard mix, a black lab, a neurotic Weenie dog, a boxer, and a moody wolf.

And with the exception of the weenie dog, they have all been found puppies. Don’t even get me started on the cats we have inherited. I am to the point now where I have said “no more critters.”

I suspect this resolve will last only until the next time Keith or one of the kids comes home with a little furball hissing/spitting/panting/drooling wrapped up in old towel or jacket and I’m gazed up on with the standard “boo-boo lip” expression and I hear the words “But Mommie/But Babe….”

I am from………….

September 11, 2008

So the latest prompt for me to start a blog up, has been Mary from Owlhaven. If you haven’t read her blog yet, do so…Anyway, her blog recently moved to it’s on home and I ended visiting the archives…and found her version of the “I am from..” poem. That got my creative interest so I did some reasearch and found some other examples and decided to take my own stab at it…

Here goes:

I am from a lone plum tree in the corner yard of a rundown garage apartment, from Lucky Charms and Q-tips. 
 
I am from the old dump trailer in the back yard that I dug under like an errant puppy and used for a “fort,” playing with earthworm after earthworm until I was convinced that I was an honorary member of their clan.
 
I am from the honeysuckle plants that lined the side fence like sweet California nectar. 
 
I am from the scratchy, prickly tumbleweeds that had to be pulled every year as part of some obscure Sonoran ritual. 
 
I am from homemade chocolate chip cookies that were piled dozen after dozen every holiday season, guarded by my mother, who watched my like a hawk, from reading with my tongue stuck out slightly,  from Pearl Mardell and Gladys and the adoptive grandparents of the neighborhood. 
 
I am from the intellect that only comes from reading incessantly througout my entire childhood and developing that vocabulary that can astound or disgust…heal or hurt, irritate and vex with the minimum amount of effort; from the pragmatism of knowing that life isn’t all in the books and sometimes you have to fold over the corner of the page, or grab the nearest scrap of paper, close the book and look at the world around you. 
 
I am from a hodgepodge of traditional “christian” values, mixed with the commone sense of a grandmother from Kansas who went to her “Dorcus” group every Saturday, and the realization that TRUE faith and religion is what you make of it in your heart and in your soul. 
 
I am from Santa Maria and Tucson, from the Basque region of Spain, from the the border between German and French, from Hodsell island and from the desert of Arizona, from Porcupine Meatballs and scrambled egg omelettes with nothing but cheese in them.
 
I am from watching Lawerence Welk every Saturday with my Nana G, sleeping on her hide-a-bed couch and taking a bath in her pasty salmon colored bath tub, from looking at picture after picture in Nana Percy’s house on Pine street, and then again in Nana G’s house year later, surrounded by powdery pink smelling dusting all the shelves that were covered with every Garfield trinket an 8 year old could afford.
 

I am from watching “Tommy” at the drive-in with my uncle when I was 3 and he was 16, a complete surfer boy during my entire childhood, from listening to cassettes of top 40 during 1980 and dancing in my bedroom, from posters of Shaun Cassidy and Mike Nesmith on my walls.  I am from mustard yellow formica, a pressed wood kitchen table and Calico, from her daughter Panda and her son Wiskers…from that avacado green chair to the desk in the corner.  I am from sunshine yellow walls that clashed with my pretenda cheneille bedspread in the most interesting shade of dark orange.  I am from whitewashed brick wall and stained glass, from Scooby-doo and from the Superfriends.