Posts Tagged ‘personal’

Day Two–Internal Critics.

August 8, 2009

1. Answer this: If you were certain your life would end in 30 days, what would be your biggest regret? Why?
2. Analyze this: What area of your life are you suffering from Someday Syndrome? (SS=one day, when, if only)
3. Realize this: Today IS your Someday!
4. Choose this: What metaphor would describe your life if you were fully awake and engaged?
5. Find this: Find a symbol to represent your metaphor and post it somewhere to remind you.

Biggest Regret:

My biggest regret would be that I always seem to be second guessing myself.  How many times have I failed to seize an oppurtunity because I let my dual brained nature rationalize the possibilities? How many negative or painful consequences could I have avoided?  How many lost moments with my older children who are now adults.

someday Syndrome:

MY time always is impacted by the SS.  I will have the family history documented as far back as possible.  Someday.  I will write enough to support my family, or at least enough that I don’t have to work outside the home. Someday.  I will take time for myself.  Someday.  I will have a hugely popular and well read  blog.  Heh, yeah, Someday.

My Metaphor:

There is a scene in Shawshank Redemption where Andy Dufresne escapes from prison by crawling through 500 yards of sewage and comes out the other side, standing in the middle of a drainage ditch, and raises his hands, and looks to the sky with his eyes closed, with the rain washing the filth from his skin and clothes.  That is the key moment in a movie that has more then it’s share of symbolic moments.  I’d like to think that when I stop second guessing myself and I stay focused on ME, and what I need to do for me, separate from my family and my home…then it’ll be like the rain, washing the fear that often reeks and poisons the soul, from my skin.

Hmmm..that almost sounded profound.  Or perhaps that is my internal critic second guessing what I just wrote.  Tough, internal critic.  I’m posting this.  If it moves someone else, great….if not, oh well…I’m not going to second guess this one.


Day One of the Challenge

August 6, 2009

Day one of the challenge…here is the task as set forth by Tesra

Day One:

  • Make a list of 5 things you would change if you knew you only had 30 days to live.
  • Choose one of the above to start today.
  • Describe how you would like your life to be different at the end of these 30 days. What has prepared you to be where you are right now?

Tell at least one other person that you’re taking on this challenge. Ask them to check in with you 30 days from now.


Okay here goes.

Make a list.

1. Don’t stress the small stuff.
2. Be sure that all of my children know what they mean to me if they don’t already.
3. Finish as much of the Family tree as possible and give it to my children.
4. Write.  Doesn’t matter if it’s blogging, on Helium, on scratch paper.  Just Write.
5. Make sure that Keith is taken care of.  Doesn’t matter if I have to write him ten years worth of daily affirmations. Anything to remind him that I am and always will be with him.

Okay….that was actually more difficult that I thought.

Moving on..Now I have to pick one to work with…

Surprisingly I’m going with Number 4. I’m going to write.

Now it’s not because I don’t want to leave something of myself for my children or Keith.  I do.  And short of being there to hold their hand and hug them and kiss them, the best thing I can think to do long term is to write.  Perhaps doing that, I can talk to them after I am no longer here

Does that make sense?

When the thirty days are done, I’d like to know that I have found my voice.  So often when I write, I am too critical of my voice.  I imagine so many posts or articles or letters in my mind at any given time, I imagine my words having meaning for somebody ANYBODY, besides just myself.  But when it comes time to actually type, I type a sentence…then read it, then delete a word, add two more.  Delete another three words.  Contemplate what it is I really want to say.

I want my family to hear my voice long after I am gone.  I want them to feel that I am not gone.  Perhaps it’s my own vanity…a way to keep myself in their hearts and minds.

What do you think?

100 things about me

August 4, 2009

In honor of Erin’s 100th post at Closing Time, here is a list of 100 things about me, that you always wanted to know but never asked, or you thought you knew but wasn’t sure of.

Or not. =)

1. I am a Natural redhead
2. I am 38
3. I have the mother of 6
4. I only spawned 3 of those 6. The others I claim.
5. I am a grandmother of 2, with #3 due at any time.
6. Middle grandbaby currently lives with me
7. I have been with the same man for 9 years.
8. We met when I got a flat tire.
9. I had already removed the tire from the car
10. We met on September 3rd 2000.
11. We have never been apart since that day.
12. I am proud of all of my children.
13. I have a son in the Marines.
14. I am so proud of him.
15. I am currently unemployed.
16. I need to go back to school
17. I love pizza
18. I love dark chocolate.
19. I really need to lose some weight
20. I am watching MONK while typing this up.
21. I am a big Robin Williams fan.
22. I am a big Dennis Leary fan.
23. I loved George Carlin’s routines
24. I love to write.
25. I love purple.
26. But not Barney the dinosaur.
27. I love reading Vince Flynn books
28. I read Jeffery Deaver
29. I can’t believe that I am still going after almost 30 facts.
30. I have a bad temper
31. Did I mention that I love Pro Wrestling?
32. Yes I know it’s fake.
33. My favorite movie is the Shawshank Redemption
34. My second favorite movie the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
35. I am still watching MONK.
36. I have twin girls.
37. I love researching my family history.
38. I am so vain about my hair. It’s tailbone length.
39. I want to learn how to can foods.
40. I want to learn to garden
41. I love steak
42. And cheese
43. I can’t stand emptying out the dishwasher or putting dishes away.
44. I can’t stand to fold laundry but I’m the only that really does it.
45. That’s why I’m training the twins to help.
46. I have periodic food fetishes. Right now it’s hot sauce
47. I like to do surveys online.
48. I live on my laptop sometimes.
49. I wish I was a more proficient blogger.
50. I’m a perfectionist, which is why I don’t blog as much as I should. I hate rough drafts.
51. My favorite (non wrestling) TV show is Heroes
52. I wish supported javascript.
53. I learned to type so well by visiting chatrooms and teaching web design
54. I can type 70 wph, when I’m not being tested, otherwise I test at 55 wph.
55. My accuracy is around 98%
56. I want to visit Ireland
57. I love green landscapes.
58. I often wonder why I still live in the desert
59. I still haven’t figured out what I want to be when I grow up
60. My favorite song right now is Boondocks by little big town
61. I’m a big Toby Keith fan.
62. I also like Guns and Roses
63. It’s safe to say that musically, I’m a child of the 80’s
64. I have been the same height since I was in 7th grade. (five foot 4 inches)
65. I like to drink coca-cola
66. I like caramel mocha frappachinos from Starbucks.
67. I can’t drink black coffee.
68. I have a craving for nachos at the moment.
69. I am a daily facebooker.
70. I’m also a writer at
71. My best friend is a Mary Kay consultant.
72. I don’t drink beer.
73. I only occasionally drink alcohol regardless.
74. I am a recovering redneck
75. I am a loyal friend.
76. I can’t stand hypocrites.
77. I tell all my kids that I will do anything but lie to or for them.
78. Beyond that I’m there for them
79. I tend to procrastinate
80. I lost faith in my last job and it cost me my job.
81. I believe in the capacity of human nature to both heal and hurt at the same time.
82. I am a spiritual if not religious person.
83. I believe in the power of faith, even if it’s not in one deity.
84. I believe that politics is a waste of time for all parties.
85. I am a hopeless cynic
86. I have an idealistic streak in my as well.
87. I wanted to be an actor when I was younger
88. My nickname at work was Da Momma
89. I believe in the power of hope
90. My daughters were born 10 weeks early.
91. They are my gifts from the God/Goddess.
92. I little patience for active stupidity in people.
93. I can forgive ignorance, unless it’s chosen ignorance
94. I may be a bit harsh and inflexible.
95. I am allergic to exercise.
96. Not really, I’m just a bit lazy about it.
97. I am tired a bit at the moment.
98. Have I mentioned I’m a fan of pro wrestling?
99. It’s my dream to be appreciated
100. I am shocked I came up with 100 things about me.


July 30, 2009

So I walked into work today and three hours later I was sitting in HR with my HR director and direct supervisor being told that as much as I was liked by my peers and other supervisors, they coudln’t just create an alternate position for me.

After almost five years with the company..


I called the hubby first..and apologized before I even said hello in tears.  After an hour I thought I was doing well until I called my most bestest wonderfulest friend in the world, Jael…who is a Mary Kay consultant. For those uninitiated into the world of Mary Kay, this week in Dallas is their annual “seminar.” This is where all of the consultants get together, meet the National Directors and such and basically have a very empowering experience. So an hour after I left work I sent her a text message basically saying that I had lost my job. She called me immediately and after about 5 minutes of mindless phone tag because still had my phone on “work mode/vibrate,” she told me that she loved me and that she was sorry….and then proceeded to tell me that she had walked out of a National Directors speech to call me, because I was that important to her.

That’s the sign of a true friend, someone who can make you break down and cry just by saying “You mean that much to me.”

I then sent Keith another text about an hour after that and said that I had been granted a $19 voucher from the local food co-op. I mentioned that it was the high point of my day. He reminded me that the high point of my day was waking up this morning knowing that he and my children were alive and well.

“Simplify” he wrote.

And that’s what it pretty much boils down to…simplify.

Am I being unreasonably harsh?

January 28, 2009

Okay so I decided to check CNN before jumping off line to cuddlle with my little PuterMonk (Kaycee-Lyn) and I came across the following story.

I think this father needs to be brought back to life, b*tchslapped, thwaped a few times with a cast iron skillet and then shot again.
In what reality can any one justify “Losing a job” as a suitable reason for shooting your five children, wife, calling it in and then killing yourself?

Don’t get me wrong..I am not a well off woman. Keith and I make decent money but are still lower middle class at best. Suz stays with us but doesn’t work (She’s the housemouse for now), between the three of us we have two sets of twins ages 6 and 5, Nicole (adult child of Keith) and now Kaycee-Lynn. Keith and I have lived hand to mouth for our entire relationship, we both have filed for bankruptcy in the past, are contacted daily by creditors and have come within days of losing our house to the mortgage company. We have had dinners of just ramen noodles and green beans. We have $1000’s worth of stuff in the Pawn shops. We have extended ourselves with PDL’s over the course of the past 5 years. I lost my job 4 years ago, Keith struggles with the thought of losing his daily now.

But at no time have we ever given up or thought “Gee life sucks so bad…not only am I going to quit life, but I’ll make sure my family keeps me company.”

I try to pride myself on someone who try’s to look at things from all angles.

There is no other angle here. The man was selfish. He was not thinking of his family. He was feeling sorry for himself and decided that misery needed to have company.

What a crock of Hooey.

It’s all in the Tunes, Baby!

January 21, 2009

I blame Big Mama completely for this post. It’s all her fault. It’s my lie and I’ll tell it how I want.

I have about five blogs that I have RSS’d on my google home page, and Big Mama is one of them. Anyway she had basically posted her ipod playlist that she listens to while she works out.

Okay before you get any off the wall ideas. No, I don’t work out. If you knew me and saw me, you’d say “well DUH!” Regardless, I do use my ipod….At work. I’d be lost without it. Especially since they just moved the seven of us into an office about the size of two of your average sized walk in closets, and when the boss is in there, all you hear is the tap-tap-tapping productive keystrokes…..

Thank god the man spends more time in meetings then at his desk…

Anyway, if I didn’t have my ipod, I’d be lost. My musical tastes range from Brooks and Dunn’s “My Maria” to Saliva’s “Click, Click” to Peggy Lee singing “Fever.” Just to satisfy my slight non-conformity, I also have Dennis Leary’s “I’m an A**hole” song in the line up…Hey, politically correct I have NEVER claimed to be. And Dennis amuses me to no end.

Topic Change….

today’s inauguration… The girls were watching Family Guy on TBS and they had one of those news blurbs about the Inauguration and they started talking about it…they said that they had watched it in class at school…and I thought how times had changed. When I was their age (6) Carter had just taken office and I knew enough to know what that meant (that was the president of the country) but that was pretty much it. The girls were talking (keep in mind, it was to each other and I was just overhearing from my spot on the computer) how it “Barrack Obama is the new president of the United States” and ” yeah, and yesterday was Martin King day.” (her sister did correct her and say “Caty, you mean Martin LUTHER King day.” )

I’m one of those woman who wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and I don’t (always) see a woman who is getting ready to attend her 20 year high school reunion, or that has a 19 year old son……The things my girls talk about, like Obama and Martin Luther King, and Veterans day…these are all things I learned later in my school career…and my 6 year olds are discussing them with each other now.

Holy Crap Batman!

I truly hope that Obama can follow through with even a fraction of what he has stated he wants to do and will do. He’s right, it’s going to get worse before it gets better…BUT…wouldn’t it be wonderful if we had a politician that actually succeeded in living up to his campaign promises?

The Mind Boggles at that possibility.

And another week goes by

January 20, 2009

I haven’t had the energy to post for a week. I don’t really have the energy to post tonight but I wanted to do so… We made something for dinner last night with the uncouth name of Fart Beans. Tastes wonderful, but sounds nast.

I’m feeling kind of out of it…My boss told me today that I have been off….Not sure I’m okay with his assesment any more then I am with the fact that he may be right.

Hopefully I’ll have something more meaningful to say tomorrow.